Commencement

Today, I delivered a commencement speech for public speaking. It was due second block, so naturally it was written during first. Here goes nothing:

South Brunswick Class of 2013, it is a very very rare occasion that I see all 685 of you at a school related event. But today, for the first time in four years, I am 95% confident that we have at least 95% attendance. Shout out to those who didn't come to school the day after prom, owe the school monetary funds, or were recently inducted into the class of 2014. To the latter, I'd like to wish you a super super senior year. But alas, I digress. Today, I stand before you as your senior class historian. And as historian, I have successfully captured a true portrayal of our senior year. It's a nice photoset of people sleeping during class, using their phones during class, watching Netflix during class, and the occasional hook up in F stairs...during class. Congratulations for putting the "F" in F stairs (HEHEHE). Other shining and defining moments happen outside of the classroom. Take national free pancake day, for example, when around 300 of us showed up late to school. What an impressive and unifying feat! And those random twitter fights against Arvin Smitherines...Wow! Even more unifying! As for the other experiences we've had this year, review, reflect, and learn. And during this process, do not forget our lovely school, where people are written up for twerking on the gymnasium wall. Where "wow pissd" has become a part of every day speak. Where Asians, specifically of the brown variety, party just as much as the white people. Ultimately, we've come a long way and grown mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just look at how Chris's arms fil out that baseball tee--mmm tasty. But as for now, its time to get out and leave. Congratulations again class of 2013! Remember to eat, pray, love, live long, prosper, and most importantly, valhalla at me. Thank you. 

So clearly, this assignment was one big joke. It's poorly written, extremely sarcastic, somewhat inappropriate, and a bit insulting. But I think it also sheds some light on my senior year and the graduating class--we're all a bunch of trolls and I wouldn't have it any other way.