It's been a while. Two months to be exact. And in our short time apart, I've drawn a few conclusions and learned a lot about myself.
- First and foremost, I avoid confrontation. It's in my nature to take things easy and adapt to new situations. This is something I love and hate about myself. For one, I'm able to let go of the trivial and trite drama, and focus on what I think really matters. But at the same time, I feel like I only let go of things on the surface, never reaching a complete internal resolution. And so, the passions and the emotions remain idle, boiling under a facade (or illusion?) of acceptance. This could last days, weeks, months, and even years and I'm not okay with that.
- I'm afraid of being idle. When my schedule is not filled with plans and tasks, I find myself spending way too much time thinking. And as more time passes, thinking turns into over-thinking which later turns into over-analyzing.
- My biggest fear occurs when you combine both the former and the latter--when idleness pushes me to confront my deepest and darkest feelings. The product of this combination? Silly little blog posts like this!
- I strive for an "idgaf" attitude when in reality, I do indeed give a fuck. I'm not numb and I'm not indifferent, but I'd rather present a lie than appear vulnerable.
- In such pursuits, I've started listening to Ribbed Music for the Numb Generation. It's sounds like something you would find in a burlesque club or a forever 21. Regardless, it's upbeat, unattached and exactly what I need right now.
xoxo,
Karen
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